Swingline Stack and Shred
If Tim Allen's character on Home Improvement had built a souped-up shredder, it probably would have been an awful lot like Swingline's new Stack and Shred. It's available online and at office-supply stores for $250 or less, depending on where you look.
There's no dainty sheet-feeding here: Pop open the lid, drop in up to 100 pages of incriminating evidence/junk mail and watch the Stack and Shred mow through it all like a scene from Fargo. And it shreds more than just paper. Staples? Yep. Paper clips? Yep. Credit cards? Yep. Delicious pork? Untested, but probably. We'll let Dad handle that one.